Then you wanted me to conclude with inspiring stories about how moments of failure taught me valuable life lessons-especially about the need to give generously to your college’s alumni association. You wanted me to open with some heartwarming jokes I stole from Ellen, and to drop the names of some obscure bands to prove that I’m hip to youth culture. You invited me because I’m a person who has achieved some career success, and so you wanted me to give a speech about why career success doesn’t matter. The speech I was intending to give fully lives up to the extremely mediocre norms of this genre. So I drove across the country, got up early this morning, put this scratchy graduation gown over my Ramones T-shirt, and now I find myself standing in an empty stadium with a Very Important Speech in my hands! You invited me to give this commencement address months ago. Editor’s Note: This article is part of a series of commencement addresses commissioned by The Atlantic for students who will not be able to attend their graduations because of the pandemic.
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